


Indecision

by avid_reader1



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Clary Fray (The Mortal Instruments), F/M, I'm a noob don't eat me, Jace Lightwood (The Mortal Instruments), Jace is an angsting angster who angsts, Really so much angst, first fic, teenage angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:03:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avid_reader1/pseuds/avid_reader1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jace had resented her for making him feel all these things. These… happy feelings, like he could be anything, be complete for the first time in his life, just when she was with him. Clarissa Fray made him want to tear his hair out and scream at the top of lungs in absolute frustration.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Indecision

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short thingy about Jace and natural angsty teenager indecision. Clace. Just pure Clace.

_Jace twined his long fingers into her beautiful red hair, drinking the sweetest nectar from her lips. Her brilliant green eyes flashed in the back of his eyes, eyes that he could get lost in like a labyrinth…_

Jace bolted upright, cold sweat dripping from his brow. The warmth of the dream faded quickly from his skin and he swore, jumping out of his bed and into the bathroom to test the theory of whether someone really could drown in a sink-full of water.

(He couldn’t.)

After drying his face of the water dripping off it, he crept back into bed, eyes clenched painfully shut. The dream had been so vividly real…

Jace quickly sunk his teeth into his knuckles, nipping that thought straight in the bud. It wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t.

Yet…

This was the only use of sleep for Jace nowadays. Before, sleep had been a nuisance, a pit stop if you will, before another day of engines gunned into driving straight through a demon’s heart. Now sleep was a sanctuary, where everything he ever wanted was possible. The world in his dreams provided him more happiness that he never would’ve thought possible. A world where his father wasn’t a sociopathic psycho, his best friend was still close to him and Clary wasn’t his sister.

Jace’s heart jumped for his throat so hard it was a wonder he didn’t choke.

“Stupid, stupid,” he muttered, licking his dry lips. It was stupid of him to think of impossible things. His father had told him that.

Opening his eyes, he studied the ceiling with unnatural interest. No one would ever know, if he thought of impossible things. His family and friends were a formidable force, but none of them were mind-readers. Considering the night was his escape…

Jace let down the barriers around his heart a finally let himself feel after a whole seventeen years of not being able to do so.

Clary was so, so, so beautiful. So pure and absolute was her beauty, he was afraid it would tear him apart. All fiery temper and flashes of green eyes, she’d taken his heart and promptly stabbed it through with some sort of celestial blade moments after. Or maybe blown a hole through his fortress of a heart with some kind of supernatural blow torch. Because no pain could ever exist without some kind of supernatural help.

He had never loved before. Sure, many had loved him. But that didn’t mean he’d ever felt the same. He’d treated his past women as conquests, only interesting until a newer, shinier thing came along. Jace had previously thought of his experience with pride, but now it only disgusted him. He’d finally found that one person that could make him feel, God forbid it, happy, and she had to be purer than the driven snow.

Clary was that part of his soul that he’d never known was missing. Clichés aside, she was to him a breath of oxygen to his air-deprived lungs, a glass of water to his parched throat, the happy ending to his miserable excuse for a life. She was a drug he just couldn’t stop consuming in the fear that the effort would literally kill him.

That night at the greenhouse had confirmed his feelings for her. Though he was a bit dubious with the use of the word feelings; he didn’t feel it was strong enough to withhold the amount of raw emotion in which his heart beheld for Clary. When he’d pulled Clary’s lips, which had been calling to him like beacon, onto his own, aforementioned feelings had exploded in a supernova that shone so bright he could see its light through his closed eyes. Like the ticking time bomb he knew it was. A human heart could only hold so much before it needed release.

Just with the memories of that night, the same emotions rose up in his chest. The velvety feel of Clary’s lips, ivory fingers sliding themselves into his golden hair, washed white gold by the moonlight, like they were meant to be there, her other hand sliding down to the nape of his neck to tug him closer…

Jace ripped himself away from the temptation of the memories, blinking rapidly and breathing ragged. He was wrong, this was wrong, it was just so hard. Then again… he steadied his breathing, though his pulse still hammered in his ears. It was too late to go back now. He’d already gone so far.

Was it ridiculous to feel the burning need to always have Clary by his side? He thought it was. That hollow ache in his chest when he turned to the side to find not a short redhead with a shorter temper but thin air, it was pathetic. Surely he could live without Clary. So why did this insatiable hunger pulse through him when he so much as thought about her?

_To love is to destroy and to be loved is to be destroyed._ He’d been right for as much. Look where’d being in love with this goddess of a girl had gotten him. Angst, heartbreak and embarrassing tears deep in the night where he was sure no one could see him. He should’ve listened to himself. Loving people was just too much trouble. It came with no happy ending. At least not for him.

Nonetheless. Clary was a piece of him, that piece that stopped him from completely loathing himself, the reason for his existence that only took him his whole life to figure out, probably the reason the moon and the stars hung in the sky at night. The only bright light in the world full of gray blurs who left too fast for him to fully and truly appreciate. A splash of paint onto the blank canvas of the world, to give an appropriate metaphor. The reason for his happiness and…

Also the reason for his misery.

Curling his fist, body and heart into what he hoped was an impenetrable ball of steel, he took no heed of the tears slipping down his cheeks and wondered just when this was all going to go away.


End file.
